COUPLES COUNSELING FOR SEX, DESIRE & INTIMACY
Almost every long-term couple goes through a stretch where physical connection feels harder to find — less frequent, less spontaneous, or just different than it used to be. It's one of the most common reasons couples reach out for counseling, and also one of the topics people feel most uncertain how to talk about. Here are honest answers to the questions that come up most.
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This is the most asked question that individuals ask about sex with their partner.
The answer lies right between the two of you. Most couples in the US average about 1 time per week. But you are not most couples, and you most certainly are not average. So the real answer to that question is what can you and your partner agree to that makes you both feel connected and cared for?
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This is a very common concern among couples. In fact, EVERY relationship will have some level of a mis-match when it comes to desire.
The best outcome is when the two of you can navigate this mismatch together so that both of your needs get met. This can be a challenging conversation because we often have different ideas about sex, and what it means, what are the expectations and what you have learned about sex from your family, friends and culture.
If this dynamic has become the subject of conflict, or if one of you is engaging in “duty sex” just to make the problem go away, it’s time to talk to a marriage counselor, like Marilee, who can help you navigate this topic in a way that will help both of you feel seen and heard.
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Sex was so easy when the relationship was new. Now it seems like there are a million things that get in the way of having good sex. What happened?
Lots of things like: childbirth, aging, illness, stress, busy lifestyles, and many other things can hinder “good sex” in relationships.
The key is growing and adapting your sex life to the capacity you currently have, rather than ruminating on what once was.Sex will change over the course of a lifetime, but it doesn’t always mean that it has been diminished. Figuring out what works for the two of you in the season you are in will help you enjoy the sex and intimacy you are currently having.
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Having good conversation about one of the most important aspects of marriage is a common concern. Because many of us do not grow up in a culture that talks about sex in a meaningful way, we find ourselves lacking when it comes to having conversations about it — even with the person we are having sex with!
Like any good communication it starts with a good speaker and a good listener. Removing stigma and all the stories that you have about yourself and others will invite more honest and open communication together.
If you do not yet have the confidence and skills to have a good conversation about sex with your partner, you can learn, and couple’s counseling can help.
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Absolutely! Counseling doesn't put a couple's intimate life on display — it creates a structured, non-judgmental space to talk about what's getting in the way of connection.
Things like unspoken expectations, past hurts, body image concerns, stress, or simply not knowing how to bring the topic up without it turning into a fight can get in the way. Many couples find that once they can talk about it openly, the tension around the topic itself starts to ease.
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Desire naturally shifts with stress, health, hormones, life stage, and how emotionally connected partners feel day to day. A dip in desire doesn't automatically mean something is wrong with the relationship — but a prolonged, unaddressed gap between partners can create distance if it's never talked about directly.
If you are not able to have an honest and connecting conversation about this with your partner, Couples’ counseling can help you build skills and create a safe environment to have these important conversations.
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That's extremely common, and it's part of why this issue tends to go unaddressed for so long in relationships. A good couple’s counselor, like Marilee, can help move that conversation into more approachable language and pace it in a way that feels manageable rather than exposing. We’ll walk into that conversation carefully and safely, and at your pace, rather than expecting a couple to "just talk about it" cold.
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Sooner than later! When your attempts to resolve desire differences, or when you want to talk about sex with your partner, but can’t seem to bring it up, NOW is the time to get help.
Letting these problems sit in silence will only exacerbate them. Waiting for it to resolve on its own often just deepens the disconnect and resentment.
If desire or intimacy has become a source of tension or distance in your relationship, counseling can help you both talk about it honestly and find your way back to connection. Schedule a free consultation at betteratrelationships.com/contact.
The most asked questions about married sex is - “How often should we be having sex?” followed closely by - “How do I get my partner on board for more (or less) sex?”
Few topics are as unique to couples and marriage relationships as sex, desire and intimacy. In fact, sex, desire and intimacy are often what defines two people as a couple. Most couples get together with the understanding that eventually sex, desire and intimacy will be a part of the relationship. Humans are hard-wired to connect with one another, and the propagation of the species requires it, suggesting that we are hard-wired for sex as well.
So if it is our goal in relationships, and if there is some component of it that we are hard-wired for, why does it seem to be so complicated? I love you, you love me — the rest should be easy, right?
But anyone who has been in an intimate, sexual relationship can tell you - it’s not always easy, and it’s not at all like the movies, social media posts or what little you learned about it growing up. Cultural expectations complicate things even more. So, what do you do when sex is challenging? What do you do when one of you wants more sex, and the other wants less? How do you navigate changes over time with ?
First, you need to understand that we all come into relationships with different scripts (ideas) about sex. What is sex? Who initiates? What kind of sex is preferred? How often? Is sex a physical, emotional or spiritual experience? When is sex ok? When is it not? You may be surprised to know that many couples don’t have real conversations about sex — ever. They go into the experience blindly with just enough information to get by. Most men need sex to feel connected emotionally and most women need emotional connection to want sex. Men and women respond differently to arousal which can cause misunderstandings and misaligned expectations. Armed with big ideas and little actual knowledge, and coupled with different levels of desire, it’s no wonder that we end up with conflict about the most vulnerable aspect of human relationships.
If you are struggling to connect in your sexual relationship, or if you’ve tried talking about it, but it never seems to materialize in mutual understanding, it might be good for you to sit with an LMFT who is trained and educated about how to navigate differences in sex, intimacy and desire. Click the button for a free 15 minute consultation to see if couples counseling is right for you.
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