The most asked questions about married sex is - “How often should we be having sex?” followed closely by - “How do I get my partner on board for more (or less) sex?”

Few topics are as unique to couples and marriage relationships as sex, desire and intimacy. In fact, sex, desire and intimacy are often what defines two people as a couple. Most couples get together with the understanding that eventually sex, desire and intimacy will be a part of the relationship. Humans are hard-wired to connect with one another, and the propagation of the species requires it, suggesting that we are hard-wired for sex as well.

So if it is our goal in relationships, and if there is some component of it that we are hard-wired for, why does it seem to be so complicated? I love you, you love me — the rest should be easy, right?

But anyone who has been in an intimate, sexual relationship can tell you - it’s not easy, and it’s not at all like the movies, social media posts or what little you learned about it growing up. Cultural expectations complicate things even more. So, what do you do when sex is challenging? What do you do when one of you wants more sex, and the other wants less? How do you navigate changes over time with childbirth, aging, illness, stress, busy lifestyles, and many other things that seem to hinder “good sex” in relationships?

First, you need to understand that we all come into relationships with different scripts (ideas) about sex. What is sex? Who initiates? What kind of sex is preferred? How often? Is sex a physical, emotional or spiritual experience? When is sex ok? When is it not? You may be surprised to know that many couples don’t have real conversations about sex. They go into the experience blindly with just enough information to get by. Most men need sex to feel connected emotionally and most women need emotional connection to want sex. Men and women respond differently to arousal which can cause misunderstandings and misaligned expectations. Armed with big ideas and little actual knowledge, and coupled with different levels of desire, it’s no wonder that we end up with conflict about the most vulnerable aspect of human relationships.

The answer to how often you should be having sex lies right between the two of you. Most couples in the US average about 1 time per week. But you are not most couples, and you most certainly are not average. So the real answer to that question is what can you and your partner agree to that makes you both feel connected and cared for?

If you are struggling to connect in your sexual relationship, or if you’ve tried talking about it, but it never seems to materialize in mutual understanding, it might be good for you to sit with an LMFT who is trained and educated about how to navigate differences in sex, intimacy and desire.  Click the button for a free 15 minute consultation to see if couples counseling is right for you.