Congratulations! After months of anticipation you have given birth a beautiful bundle of joy and you cannot imagine how the world could be more perfect. And then you arrive home and the reality sinks in – you literally have no idea what you are doing, and they didn’t hand you an instruction manual when you left the hospital. Everyone seems to have advice on what you should be doing, but not all of it feels helpful.

Quiet moments of cuddling and staring at the little miracle in your arms soon gives way to soiled diapers, endless laundry, sleep deprivation, sore nipples and a baby who is content to scream without regard to the fact that neither you nor they knows what they want and need.

Ironically, babies need parents with a solid marital foundation for best outcomes. But the cruel trick of nature is that babies can be particularly hard on marriages. Instead of the carefree days of just the two of you, along comes an adorable interloper who seems hell-bent on keeping you separated.  Feelings of stress, exhaustion, loneliness and feeling abandoned set in, and managing time alone to sort through all those feelings is hard to come by.

This is the phase of relationship development that requires a lot of patience, understanding and intentionality. The three of you will need to find a new rhythm so that the two of you can continue to take care of each other while taking care of the baby. Here are three big concepts about how to protect your marriage while navigating a new baby:

1.        The 2nd best way of doing something isn’t the worst way of doing something.

The only parenting activity that dads cannot do is breast feeding. Everything else should be divided among you.  Moms need to let dads learn how to soothe the baby on their own without managing or gatekeeping. Dads need to jump in and assume tasks – even if they don’t know how, and even when it’s distasteful (welcome to parenthood).

2.        Prioritize each other. This means that you’ll need to be intentional about spending time together – connecting, dating and working as a team. Don’t wait for the opportunities to connect, they’ll rarely happen and you’ll likely be asleep when they do.

3.        Ask for what you want and need. Your partner is not a mind reader, and even though you have been together for many years, they are rarely better at knowing what you want because of it. When you hear yourself complaining (“I’m so tired and I’m not getting any help”, or “I feel so left out, all I’m good for is a paycheck around here”) remember that a complaint is a poorly worded ask. Ask for what you want and help each other by being clear.

If you are struggling to connect with your partner after the child(ren) have shown up, it may be time to sit with a marriage counselor to identify the patterns that you’ve fallen into that are keeping you stuck. Click the button for a free 15 minute consultation to decide the next best steps for you and your relationship.