COUPLES COUNSELING FOR MANAGING CONFLICT & COMMUNICATION

No! In fact, conflict handled the right way can be the thing that connects and strengthens your relationship. Nearly 70% of all conflict won’t have a clear “winner” (you’ll never agree). So learning to soothe these differences is key to not letting the things you cannot solve run the show in your relationship.

Avoiding conflict will leave you feeling empty, alone, and disconnected. If you’re avoiding conflict because it seems destructive, this is a good time to try couple’s counseling to help you learn how to fight fair. You can be stronger together — even when you disagree.

You’ve asked for change a million times, and things never seem to change. Argue. Rinse. Repeat. You feel like you’re talking in circles.

This is a common complaint of couples. You are having the same argument because you are applying the same solution hoping to get a different result. You get louder in hopes that they’ll hear you, they shut down in hopes you’ll stop talking. It’s an age-old pattern that with a little insight and skills facilitated by a qualified marriage counselor like Marilee, you can fix.

Improving communication is a two-way street, but you can start on your side and influence your partner as a result. We’re always communicating, whether it be through our body language or actual words. The first step is to be clear about what you want, then communicate it in a way that your partner can hear. The other side of the street is listening in order to hear (not respond), and employing skills like empathy. It takes practice, but any couple can learn the steps and get better at communicating with one another.

You complain, they defend or deflect. You know how this will end before you even open your mouth, so why do you keep trying? When we aren’t feeling heard or understood by our partner, we often employ strategies to try to get them to hear us. These strategies rarely work, and often get in the way of actually resolving the problem. Getting out of this pattern takes some skill building and some understanding of why we choose those strategies in the first place. A couple’s counselor, like Marilee, can help you identify the pattern, and then help you learn skills so that you can find your way back to connection when this old, familiar but exhausting pattern shows up.

This is a maddening situation. You’re trying to get your partner to meet you in the conversation, and they’ve left the conversation. It happens so quickly, you are rarely see it coming- even when you are prepared for it. Shutting down by not responding, avoiding or dismissing widens the disconnection and makes you feel even lonelier than ever.

The shut down is a protective reaction to feeling judged, attacked, or just overwhelmed with the conversation. Because they don’t know how to respond, they feel like a failure, or their attempts to connect have failed, the shut down is the only strategy they know how to employ.

This is a common dynamic in relationships. If your attempts to communicate end up in a shut down, you likely need the help of a third party - your marriage counselor - to help you learn a better way to connect, and what to do when the shut down occurs. Just knowing what it is will not change the pattern. Getting some understanding about why it shows up is critical to solving this common relationship dynamic.

You’ve had the fight, and even though it’s over, you don’t feel like it’s been repaired. You or your partner goes silent for hours, days, and then things cool off, and some sense of connection is restored, but it never feels complete. There’s still a piece of you that’s hurting and needs to feel like the fight was resolved.

Learning how to fight fair, resolve conflict, and reconnect are really important skills that few of us learn growing up. There are actual steps to all of this, but just learning them won’t solve the problem. You have to understand the “why” behind the fight, which is where a qualified marriage counselor like Marilee comes in. Reconnecting after a fight so that you both feel seen and heard requires some fundamental skills and insights that you can learn in couple’s counseling.

There are lots of ways couples can learn how to manage conflict in a way that encourages even the most entrenched conflict avoider to try something new.

In couple’s counseling we’ll practice this skill in session, so you not only know what to do, but you’ll also know why it’s happening, and how to help each other get better at resolving conflict.

You’ve asked your partner for something and now you’re feeling ignored, dismissed, disrespected and alone. Getting a partner to listen to you is one of the most frustrating things in relationships.
Sometimes the problem lies in the way it’s being communicated. Sometimes the problem is in how it’s being received. Couple’s counseling can help you find a way to connect and communicate better.